April 2007 was when I started this blog....I wanted to chronicle what I was doing with my family and mainly decor and DIY , I had just started to wet my feet in regards to millwork projects...I was eager to share and I had hoped to inspire and motivate other women to try DIY...I got so much joy and satisfaction out of designing projects and then making them happen mostly by myself...
Here I am today April 2018 and so much has changed....blogging has become less about sharing and more about making a living...in my humble opinion blogging has become more about product placement and less about creating engaging content...it's all about the clicks and affiliate links...and that is fine and I am happy to see so many people make a good living from blogging...but it has turned me off of blogs in general as a reader...every time I visit a blog to find a recipe or read a post I am bombarded with sign up prompts and follow requests...it's a complete turn off...I used to spend a couple of hours a day catching up on blogs, I felt connected to the bloggers... we would engage, it was something I looked forward to...
I was happy to be included in the community in the early days...invited to events...that was usually fun even though I tend to be more shy in new situations, I think this is pretty typical of a lot of bloggers, I think a lot of us are introverts...
I took a break from blogging after a troll had me questioning everything I was putting online...someone had gone out of their way to really hurt me and sadly it worked...why was I a target I don't know but it was not something I was eager to relive...so I only occasionally shared projects that contained diy projects I thought people could benefit from...there was no income potential for me beside a very small amount from ads on my blog...that was fine...it was a bonus.
Jump ahead to 2016 I attended a blogger event...that day it became clear I was no longer part of the community in any capacity, I was on my own and it felt lonely in an otherwise tight knit group...being a sensitive person I blamed myself...something was wrong with me...I'm clearly unlikeable...I drove home feeling pretty low...
I hate that this bothers me...I have a great family and life
I pushed on and decided that I still wanted to be a blogger I was hoping I could be successful but I can't, I don't have the time it requires or the love for it...it was beginning to feel hollow...
I am happy to share things online in fact I love to...but there will be no motivation other than to share...I am going to continue to share on instagram and now that I have given up trying to be something or someone online and I refuse to care about likes and followers I am just letting myself share whatever the heck I want to....and I have found so much peace
my instagram
I think I may be having a bit of a midlife crisis....seriously it explains everything...I am 45 years old my life has always revolved around my family and being a mom...I now have a 19 year old daughter who is just graduating college and a 16 year old daughter who will be a senior next year...I will always be a mom but my role just keeps changing as they need less mothering...so who am I....?
I have easily lost myself throughout this season of motherhood and I have had a couple of really tough years...this past winter being the worst of it....I have to admit I thought not about ending it all but that not existing would be easier...I know that sounds like suicidal thoughts but I would never do that...however the deep dark sadness that over whelmed me daily was hard to overcome....and of course I hid all of this from everyone...because it didn't feel safe to share my struggle....
I felt like there was no light in sight...everything for the last 15-16 months has been an incredible struggle...every time I turn around something was wrong...and it took such a toll on me...I bare the responsibility to fix everything to hold us all together...when we made the move to this home it was supposed to fix all of our problems but it turned out to be the worst thing we could have done...it has been nothing short of a nightmare...I will leave it at that but one day I will share the whole story and I hope that what we have been through can help others avoid what we have endured...
So I have decided to focus on myself...to finally take care of me, to make myself the top priority because I will tell you no one will will take care of my needs other than me...so now is the time for me to get my shit together....and that is what I am doing...I refuse to spend one more day checking out of things, making excuses and hating myself....
I am worth the time and effort...I am cutting out all the things that contribute to me feeling bad and or negatively...I've been doing that for a while...unfollowing people that make me feel badly about myself...and that is on me not them, it's not personal...one of the biggest things is to stop blogging, stop trying to get something out of it...all I ever wanted was connection and sadly that is not found on this blog, that is for sure....so bye blog...I'm glad to have it to look back on and I will keep it here as a resource and I hope to one day share an unedited version of our difficult journey but for now I am done....
thank you to all who have followed and been so kind....for that I will be forever grateful...
I am thoroughly looking forward to this next chapter...I am going to make it a good one...
